Too Much Stick, Not Enough Carrot.
Posted by Rich Presta on 04/21/08 in Uncategorized
Maybe it’s because the sun’s finally been out a bit and I’ve been able to take my daughter to the park a few times, which is a sure sign of spring, but today I’m really in the mood to talk about something really positive, sound ok?
When you’re going through the Driving Fear program to overcome your fear of driving, you want to have a good motivation to keep you going when it gets tough, or if you hit a patch that slows your progress down a little. You need a reason to go after it in the first place.
Sometimes I’ll ask program participants what they’re using to keep them going, what gets them in the drivers seat when they really would rather sit on the couch and watch American Idol. I’ve found that there’s two motivations. Well I guess I didn’t discover this, psychologists have known it for a long time, so I’ll say I confirmed it, there’s negative and positive motivations. The carrot and the stick.
What that means is that you’re either using the desire to escape pain to motivate you, or you’re using the desire to seek pleasure to motivate you. Both work, but one works better.
Lots better.
It’s probably no surprise that positive reinforcement works better. Well, knowing it and using it are two different things.
The clients I find that have the toughest time are the ones that have motivations such as:
“I don’t want to embarrass my family anymore.”
“I’m sick of being so weak.”
“I can’t keep having this anxiety, it’ll kill me.”
So we’re going to knock that off. Just typing them made me depressed and unmotivated, and I’m a tough guy to bring down. Too much stick, not enough carrot.
Now we’re going to take some time and think about what you want to do when you overcome your fear. Not if. When. Got it?
Close your eyes, relax a bit, and picture in your mind how life would be different if you were comfortable driving. Picture yourself with the window open, wind blowing through your hair, radio on with your favorite song playing, and a secret grin on your face. Where are you going? A friends house you don’t get to see often enough now? Are you on your way to a family trip, maybe a long weekend someplace great, with your family in the back of the car? Maybe you just closed a big deal for work and you’re on your way back home, feeling confident and proud.
Think about it, get in touch with it. How do you FEEL? There’s no reason that can’t be you. No reason at all. I’ve seen too many people accomplish it to think otherwise. Think about that often and use that to motivate you. You CAN do it.
Write it down somewhere and refer to it often. Write it on a index card and keep it in your pocket where you’ll feel it often and think about it. put one in your car and look at it while you’re at a red light to remember why you’re doing it. Stick one on the mirror in your bathroom and read it while you do your hair. Just write it down. Write it in the comments section under this post, let’s see what it is. Writing it down takes it from your mind and puts it in reality. It’s the first step to turning from imagination to real life. Just do it now.
No, seriously. Right now.
I want the desire to accomplish this to drive you forward. I want this to be so intensely positive to you that nothing will stop you from accomplishing it. I want you to be so in touch with it you can close your eyes and feel the wind in your hair and your hands on the wheel. In your mind, be there.
When you can really get in touch with it and all the emotions that go with it, you can fake it. When you get afraid, you can”act as if” you’re already that person. How would they think? How would they feel? Would they turn back or keep going? Smile or frown? Are their shoulders tense or relaxed?
I’ll let you in on a secret….ready?
Pretend to be that person often enough and you will BECOME that person. You are who you THINK you are.
Think careful.
Rich
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Sharmila | Apr 23, 2008 | Reply
Dear Rich!
What a powerful piece of advice! Thank you so much for this article. I must say it’s as if you are directly talking to me after witnessing what I am going through.
I felt as if somebody shook me to alertness from a mental stupor. I am going through the negative affirmation process right now. I am going through this small tug of war wherein my sense of achievement is being over powered by my intense fear of driving. Sometimes I just force myself to drive as I am afraid that whatever little progress I made so far will be ruined if I slip into my old habits of avoiding driving. So I am driving using all the negative statements you used in the article. You have reminded me and many others like me,just in time, that the power of positive reinforcement is much better and poweful which ensures there is more pleasure involved in learning process. I’ll use the”carrot”. Thank you so very much.
sharmila.
Earlene | Apr 23, 2008 | Reply
This is only day two for me and the program. I can honestly say that this morning I decided to go shopping, something I really enjoy. Sun shining, I got into the car and drove to my favorite store without the mild anxiety I usually feel doing in town driving. Really, I do feel different. The big test, as I go along, is the highway drive, but that will come soon enough. Just reading the information so far has helped. So my carrot is tbat I can go anywhere and do anything I choose to do and…..enjoy the ride! I am who I think I am….and I am thinking good thoughts. Thank you.
Rich Presta | Apr 23, 2008 | Reply
Awesome job Earlene! Already a superstar!
See…and you thought I wasn’t real….
SHELLEY | Apr 25, 2008 | Reply
I really wish someone could help me get over my driving fear. I don’t understand why I do this. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY EVERYTIME I GET IN MY CAR, I HAVE THIS STUPID PROBLEM?? It’s just like whenever I get in my car to drive, all of my thoughts just come together and at first I’m O.K….but then, the more I think about all of these thoughts, I get worse. I tell myself that everything is going to be fine…you’re o.k….nothing is wrong….you’re going to be fine….but the longer I think about these thoughts, I get worse and then I can’t breathe and my fingers and my arms are tingling because I inhale too much I guess. Sometimes I’ll go 10 miles and I’ll be o.k. but if I have to go any further than that…I just start to freak and I can’t help it and I TRY TO TELL MYSELF THAT I’M GOING TO BE OKAY BUT IT GETS WORSE. You know what the saddest part is….I HATE MYSELF FOR IT…I HATE MYSELF FOR FEELING THIS WAY AND I WISH I WERE JUST DEAD SO I WOULDN’T HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY AND I’M ONLY 32 YEARS OLD! AM I JUST MENTAL? IS THIS JUST IN MY HEAD? IS THIS A SERIOUS PROBLEM I HAVE? CAN SOMEONE HELP ME? DOES ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE KNOW HOW I FEEL? HAS ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE HAD THIS SAME PROBLEM? WHAT DO I DO? HOW CAN I KEEP MYSELF CALM AND KEEP MYSELF FROM THINKING THESE THOUGHTS AND MAKING IT WORSE ON MYSELF? I DON’T WANT TO EVEN GO OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR FEELING THIS WAY. I DON’T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE…AND YOU KNOW WHAT…I DON’T GO ANYWHERE UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE IS WITH ME. I NEVER NEVER EVER GO ANYWHERE BY MYSELF AND THAT’S SAD. AM I GOING TO BE LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? CAN ANYONE OUT THERE HELP ME? GIVE ME SOME ADVICE ON WHAT TO DO. IF ANYONE CAN HELP ME AND TELL ME WHAT MY PROBLEM IS, I WOULD BE A MUCH HAPPIER PERSON AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, I MIGHT GO SOMEWHERE BY MYSELF. WHY DO I HAVE DRIVING FEAR? I USED TO LOVE TO DRIVE BEFORE I HAD THIS PROBLEM AND I WOULD GO EVERYWHERE BY MYSELF……ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE!!!!! I LOVED GOING BY MYSELF AND NOW I’M AFRAID TO GO ANYWHERE BY MYSELF! HOW DO I GET OVER THIS? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I DRIVE MYSELF CRAZY- - - CRAZIER!!
Rich Presta | Apr 26, 2008 | Reply
Lots of people have this fear, just look at all the people who completed the program on our home page http://www.DrivingFear.com.
But keep in mind, lots of people DON’T have the fear anymore either, myself included, so you can overcome it, that’s what the program is for.
If you get the mini series I offer you’ll get some great tips for free. The Driving Fear program offers detailed help.
Don’t worry, you’re in the right place!
Rich
sharmila | Apr 29, 2008 | Reply
Hi Shelley,
Firstly, get a grip over yourself. You are not alone. I am going through exactly the same fear you are going through. There are many more people like you and me. So please don’t get disheartened so much.
Secondly, you mentioned that you used to drive without any fear. Then may be something happened to terrify you so much. May be you need to analyze that. I am not an expert on this subject but I definitely can relate to what you are talking about.
I recently started driving and I still cannot drive alone. It feels like some body asking me to jump off a cliff. I am still fighting with my fear. It seems like I made tremendous progress one day and suddenly I feel as if I am back at square one. However, I do know for sure that I definitely improved. May be my progress is real slow but there surely is light at the end of tunnel. I found these mini series very helpful. Accept your fear Shelley.Do not resent yourself for this fear. I am sure you will get over this fear. You may be scared of driving but may be you are good at driving. May be as Mr. Rich Presta says in this article you need to accept the fear and not fight it and then let it go. I am trying the same thing. I felt elated, I felt down, I felt frustration, hopelessness. But I am hanging on.
Shelley I am sure you will get over your fear. I wish you good luck!
Take care.
Sharmila
Amanda | Apr 30, 2008 | Reply
Shelley, I agree with Sharmila, and I know exactly what you’re feeling - the most horrible, helpless feeling you can imagine. (I’m 32 as well, and have been dealing with major anxiety for seven years now. Seems like our age group gets a lot of it!) If you can, I would really encourage you to try the program out, and I don’t have anything to gain by saying that, so no need to worry about that. But for starters, the first thing to know is that this is one of the most common fears out there. Read through the articles on this site, because they’re great. And remember that there IS a way out of this. It’s not an easy way, which is what I’ve been looking for all these years, but it actually works. You’re not even remotely alone - sometimes knowing that helps a lot in itself. I didn’t think I was going to make it either, but I’ve made a lot of progress so far.
Wishing you good luck and strength,
Amanda