The Original Driving Fear Program

I Don’t Think My Spouse Really Understands What I am Going Through!

Contributed by Challenger Rehab On Wheels Inc.

When my wife was going through her recovery process following her crash, it was a difficult time for both of us. She was dealing with a high degree of anxiety both as a driver and as a passenger and as well was dealing with a high degree of pain. I was dealing with a blow to my ego. I look back at it now and realize that for a little while I was part of the problem rather than being part of the solution which is the biggest reason that I write this article now.

If you have a spouse who is trying to recover from being in a car crash and is dealing with driver and passenger anxiety, there is a good chance that he or she needs you to change the way you drive. My wife needed me to change the way that I was driving and hence the blow to my ego. I considered myself to be a good driver; I had never been involved in a car crash. I had only received one speeding ticket which of course was not my fault. I had all the confidence in the world. So why was my wife terrified whenever she got in the car with me? How could my “great driving ability” be giving her so much anxiety? There must be something wrong with her, right? This difference of opinion created stress for the both of us; it put a strain on our marriage and hindered my wife’s recovery. It wasn’t until I checked my ego at the door and really looked at both my wife’s anxiety and how my driving habits could add to that anxiety that things started to change for the better.

When someone has been in a traumatic car crash it is quite natural for them to have anxiety about being in-vehicle either as a driver or as a passenger. This anxiety stems from not wanting to get hit again, from not wanting to be in even more pain. This is a rational anxiety; it is the body and mind saying, “I do not want this to happen again!” Many times the resulting anxiety starts to change the crash survivor’s perception. Their ability to judge distance changes, their ability to judge speed is also affected as well as their ability to judge time. This disruption to perception happens to 99% of people who have anxiety and there is a good chance that it is happening to your spouse. This means that to your spouse, everything looks closer than it actually is, people are driving faster than they actually are, and the time and space you have to make a decision in-vehicle looks smaller than it actually is….hence the anxiety.

Now I realize that I just said that your spouse is likely seeing things as closer than they actually are, but that does not get you off the hook, in fact you are now more securely on that proverbial hook. Let’s take the example of driving on the 401, since it is one of the most likely places for a crash survivor to have anxiety about here in Ontario. Statistically speaking most accidents on this highway are rear-end collisions. They almost always are the result of three or four cars following each other too closely. For some reason the first car has to put on their brakes, because the second car is traveling too closely, he or she has to slam on theirs and so on…Somewhere down that line someone is not paying close enough attention and hits the car in front of them causing the crash. This very collision happens daily on the 401 and when you involve transport trucks, and high rates of speed, it very often is a deadly crash.

So now you are driving along the 401 with your spouse in the passenger seat. How much space do you leave? You are probably thinking that if the car in front of you hits their brakes, you would react fast enough to be able to hit yours, right? The problem with that line of thinking is that it is not the car in front of you that should worry you; it’s the car behind you. When you have to slam on your brakes to avoid the car in front of you, you’re putting your life (and your spouse’s sanity) in the hands of the stranger behind you. How are his or her reflexes? Are they even paying attention? And remember that according to your spouse’s perception, you are even closer to that car ahead of you. Even though you may not be aware that the real danger is from the car behind you, your spouse most certainly is, this is why he or she is trying to tell you to slow down and leave more space (that would be them now yelling at you).

If you really want to help your spouse and lessen their anxiety try some of the following:

1. The most important thing you can do when driving is to leave a space cushion. In all driving environments this is the easiest thing to do. Space is safety, space is time to make a decision and most importantly space is anxiety relief. To get a space cushion all you have to do is to drive the same speed as the person in front of you whether it is 120 km in the fast lane of the 401 or 2 km in a traffic jam. People always say “but someone always comes and takes the space”. That is the point, you want someone to take that space because if you did not leave that space and a person tried to get in there anyway, you have just gotten into a crash or your spouse’s anxiety has just hit the roof. That space allows an aggressive driver to safely take space without causing your spouse too much anxiety; you have just consciously helped your spouse, now go get your space cushion back.
2. Some of your spouse’s anxiety comes from the fact that he or she does not know what you see or don’t see. So tell them, point to cars that could possibly pull out in front of you. Let them know if you think a green light is going to turn yellow etc.
3. Check your ego- Do not get offended if they ask you to slow down or to “watch out” for something. Their anxiety can come from the fact that they do not have any control as passenger and a lack of control can lead to anxiety. Try doing the things that they are asking instead of stubbornly saying “my driving is not the problem” because it is part of the problem. Remember, their sanity is your sanity.